And then there were two..

Taking a lunch break. There’s only two people closing tonight so this should be fun. Its cool i like my managers.

I wonder if its too soon to see if i can apply for the management postion… I’ve only been working there a little over a month but im a good worker and i have some experience.. Well see.

Lunch is 30 min. Sometimes it goes by super fast and sometimes i just chill in my car and it goes by a little less fast.

Someone broke the damn window while i was working though, so that’s a thorn in my side.

I was gonna wait till taxes but since thats not happening i guess next paycheck is going on that.

I feel bad for the manager. She’s breaking me for lunch and she’s the only one up there and there’s a long line.

When there is a long line and you’re the only one ringing people up, you feel rushed… At least i do.

Alright. About 4 hours til I can go home. Let’s get this over with.

Forgive me, I’m bipolar.

If anyone knows me, they know I love love love chocolate! 🍫🍫🍫

That was yummy😋. Had to finish it before continuing on. 😝

So… I dont know if im going crazy or having an awakening but i have a very …. Well… I dont know how to describe it.. Just a bath ok?

I downloaded a calming meditative app to listen to when soaking in a relax & sooth salt bath. I put on a crackling fireplace choice on the app. I love fires and fireplaces. Sitting around them and zoning out into the hot, crackling fire .🔥.

Lately I’ve been told to meditate more and after zoning out listening to the fire while soaking , i put it on meditation mode which helped guide my breathing. All while still being able to listen to the fire along with it.

So naturally i start along with the breathing exercise amd i start getting kinda foggy headed and dizzy.

I look down into the water and all of a sudden i think of water scrying… Interesting.

Never thought about doing something like that. I dont really expect to actually see anything but i focus looking in the water thinking to see if i actually see anything, thinking about how much i miss my grandmother.

Then i started seeing her! Like she was smiling and she looked healthy with long black hair and bangs and not like she was sick with cancer and bald from chemo.

Am i going c r azy or is this really happening?

I whisper that i miss her and i love her and the image of her face in the water went from a big smile to a soft and gental smile. And in my mind her voice said to me “i know. I love you too. But you already know I’m always around you.. in spirit.” And she grins and crosses her eyes and sticks out her tongue at me. Just like she use to. I see this In my mind’s eye. Or at least that’s where I’m guessing I’m seeing this.

The bath water came back into focus and her face’s image transformed into a butterfly.

As in, whenever you see a butterfly, I’m reminding you that I’m with you.

Always in spirit.

I wish i could hug you again and brush your hair, telling you how long your hair grew since thelast time i brushed it. Like we use to.

I thanked the universe for allowing me to see and communicate with her again.

Even if it is just my imagination and I’m going crazy and not actually having an awakening. Lol

I guess i’ll find out sooner or later..

Guestimates and the need to adult in a fun way.

I need a girls night or a date night or something. Tired of not having any fun. And being antisocial. I’m a leo dammit! When did i become such a hermit?…. Again…

I need to break this cycle. I need to stop trying to fix something that i was clearly Told that I have no chance at fixing.

I need to start putting myself first more often and move on.

But its oh so difficult when you live under the same roof as the person that wants you gone but doesnt have it in him to kick you to the streets because he DOES actually have a heart… its just not open to me.

Eh fine. Its what i wanted back then anyway right? Now i just have to work on getting myself independent.

I’m working now so… That’s a start. But its still minimum wage and who can live on that alone?

Most rentals you have to prove you make 3x the rent to even be considered. And if your lucky to find a cheap one its still about $500 in rent. Plus car insurance and remember gas money. Phone? Well, right now im not paying my own phone bill thanks to the “paper hubby”😂. I call him “paper hubby” because he’s only my husband on paper. Being “seperated” and all…

Anyway. Lets do guestimates.

For a single person making min wage. Don’t quote me cause i could be way off.

Rent $500

Car insurance $150 (about what i pay)

Gas for the week $50ish

Phone $50ish

Food. Omg food is expensive. ESPECIALLY if you want to eat healthy. Sad it cost more to buy healthy foods then it is the not-so-healthy foods.

But remeber we are on a min budget here. So lets say for a single person.. ??? $120 for food? How much food could you get with $120 these days and how long does it last? (Honestly idk. I have lived in a family of 4 for the past 8 years so… Like i said, guestimates.

Electricity ugh. I’ll just stop at food and pretend utilities are paid at this particular pretend $500 place.

500(rent)+150(insur.) =650+200(gas 50 a week)

=850+200 (food at 100 every two weeks)= 1050

Min wage is 8.25 an hour. Fulltime is 40 hours a week about 330 (gross) × 4 weeks= 1320-1050(bills)= $70

$70 left but that’s before net pay and there are still other misc necessities, bills, fees that life brings you.

In the end You are left in the negative somehow.

So my point I’m trying to make is that it’s pretty expensive to live with no help, off min. wage/full time work on your own in the first place.

And I have two kids to think about too, whether they live with me fulltime or not.

I’m truely greatful to the “paper hubby” for being a good enough person to “let me” stay until i can get on my own feet…

I’m just worried how long that’ll actually take. Expecially since i feel like I’m stuck where I’m not wanted.

Yeah I’m wanted by my kids of course! And i absolutly😍😍 love and adore them and thats what makes me stick through this. Because at least I have them and they are why i havent off-ed myself (from marriage or life).

But it’s still not the same. It’s still lonely. When you need an adult person to talk to that actually cares about you and not just treating you like your a burden on their soul just by speaking.

But seriously…. I really do need some adult fun time. 😥

Eh. Whatever. I’ll just go smoke and shower now.

There’s no chance, not even a slight one.

I really do wish i could leave. To be stuck in marital seperation, under the same roof, sometimes in the same bed… It kills my soul.

We do everything the same since before the seperation, only less arguments over little stupid shit that turns into huge fights and more hidden prayers of a final ending. Of course it will never truely be over because we have kids together.

I love my kids just not their father. And that’s not for a lack of trying either. I feel like that’s all ive done this past decade was try to keep us/ my family together. But not everyone gets a happily ever after with their first marriage do they?

There’s no chance. Not even a slight one, of us getting back together and being Truely happy.

So why even bother anymore.

Day 1- Why ‘on the ledge again’?

The name of my blog is titled ‘on the ledge again’.. Well, honestly because ‘on the Edge again’ was already taken. But i figured it was close enough to get the same point across. Heh.

Anyway, i choose it because i ALWAYS feel like I’m on the edge/ ledge (whatever) of actually living a life… Or ending it.

Not that i would actually off myself but there are many ways to live and die without actually doing either, if you catch my drift..

I wanted to start blogging a personal blog because i feel i really don’t have anyone that i can be my true self with or around.

Why is it easier to show the world a truer you then to those close around you??

Because you know how the people around you are…

In short, not worth it.

But to people i dont even know on the web?

It feels more like something i can trust, ironic i know. But that’s why i ask myself questions like this in the first place.

Because well, in the words of alanis morrisette, “isn’t it just ironic?”

Just so tired. Figures.

It always seems to happen. When you think you’ve dug yourself out of an emotional or financial hole… There’s something right behind you, pulling you back into a depressing situation; not letting you alone to finally get some peace… Or at least a little break. But I digress.

It’s very, very tiring though… Trying to survive and trying to find happiness. Trying to balance the two but not ever being able to because you can never really find enough happiness in your life to balance out the unhappiness. And if you have kids, it’s even more so exhausting because you have to put whats best for them first before your own freedom of happiness.

Having to work full time to not even bring home enough money to live on your own.

I’m just stuck. I work hard to just be stuck in an unhappy life.

Astroids keep striking the land of your worlds, quaking and shaking you to the very core of your being.

Work to afford and survive a life but to tired to enjoy it and what little time you actually do get off. That’s not a life.

Neither is still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed as your ex when all you need to do is get away and out on your own. But I Can’t afford to leave and I’m too unhappy to think I can survive staying much longer. No matter how hard I try, he just doesn’t love me anymore. Ok fine. But don’t treat me with disrespect and talk down to me like I dont matter when all I do is try to help and be nice. Ugh. Where is my true king?? I’m not getting any younger!

Life is to expensive to live alone when you only make minimum wage.

Just thinking about life and its struggles… just to die in the end anyway depresses me. A constant state of hidden depression. Right under the very surface of my skin.

Why? Why can’t life go easy for once. Why am I stuck on a chaotic loop of unhappiness since what seams like (and have been told) birth. Am I cursed? If so, why and how do I break it?!?!

If I keep living like this… I’m sure to die young.

Well. Hope you enjoyed the rants of a woman on the ledge again.

Stay tuned for more.

Who knows… Maybe next time i might rave… Heh.